Persevere Chapter Nine

Persevere
Chapter Nine


The awkward silence lasted for nearly five minutes. The entire time, Kyle was trying to keep his eyes as close to the ground as possible, shuffling his feet nervously, not daring to look up for one second. Kenny, on the other hand, stood tall with his hands on his hips and his eyes locked into a bone chilling leer.

“Oh really?” Kyle breathed, his eyes shifting away from his once close friend.

“Yeah,” Kenny answered shortly, his tongue as sharp as a knife. “He woke up just yesterday. I’ve already been to see him.” Kyle nodded as if he understood, but Kenny knew that he really didn’t. How could he understand when he hasn’t even seen Stan yet? “It’s funny,” the blonde continued, folding his arms haughtily against his chest. “I’ve always been the first of his friends to visit him. I thought that role was yours to play….”

“Then I guess you haven’t been keeping up,” Kyle mumbled, running his hands through his thick red hair and looking away again.

Kenny shoved the other boy halfway across sidewalk and Kyle nearly lost his balance. “What kind of bitch are you?” he spat at the stumbling teen. “No, really! What happened to you? You’re seriously just going to stand there and tell me that this is none of your business?”

“I know this is my business!” Kyle shouted, turning his back to Kenny.

“Look at you,” Kenny sneered. “You won’t even look me in the eye anymore.” The blonde teenager slowly circled the other boy, his jaw clenched tightly. Kyle continued to avoid his gaze, causing Kenny to snort in disgust. “What’s the matter with you. You were always the moral one; the guy who actually had a conscience. When did you stop listening to it?”

“I’m listening to it now,” Kyle mumbled, frustrated.

“And I guess it’s telling you to be a cry baby about all this instead of manning up to your problems.” Kenny stopped in front of Kyle and waited for a response that never came.

Instead, Kyle asked “Why are you here? To guilt me into seeing Stan?”

“I wouldn’t be here other wise,” Kenny scolded, chuckling under his breath at Kyle’s remorse.

“Did he ask you to do this?”

“What, you think I’m that shallow?” the blonde scoffed. “I’m doing this because I remember the good times. You know, back in fourth grade? Yeah, sure I got hurt a lot, but it was fucking fun, wasn’t it? Or don’t you remember? Are you that far gone from the rest of us?” Kenny stepped forward to lay his hand on Kyle’s shoulder, but the suspicious boy reeled back to avoid his touch. Kenny let his hand drop, bewildered by Kyle. “Why are you so afraid of me?”

“’Cause you’re gonna push me again!” Kyle yelled, narrowing his eyes.

“C’mon, Kyle, you can take a hit, plenty of people know that.” Kenny ground his teeth and decided that enough was enough. It was time to get down to business. “No, you’re not afraid I’ll hurt you. You’re afraid of what I know.”

Kyle looked at Kenny suspiciously. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten!” the boy continued. “It was only a year ago, at Wendy’s 16th birthday party. Stan wasn’t invited because of the growing rift between him and his ex. Kinda like the rift that started to form between you two, now.”

“Get on with it!” Kyle shouted, impatiently confused about where Kenny was going with this.

“Wendy’s party? And a simple game of spin the bottle?”

Kyle’s eyes grew wide as he instantly remembered that night… in vivid detail. Kenny nodded with a grin as he saw the realization streak across his friend’s face. “There were five guys and only three girls, it was bound to happen eventually!” Kyle tried desperately to explain.

“But we went through with it didn’t we?” Kenny pointed out, raising his voice.

“I was drunk!” the red headed teen yelled, uselessly trying again to rationalize his behavior.

“You only had one beer, and that’s because I forced you!” Kenny countered, jabbing his finger into Kyle’s chest. “You and I went into that closet and we vowed we’d go through with it, and we did! You and I kissed!”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Kyle hissed, slicing his hand through the air in anger. “Yeah, we kissed, but wouldn’t that make you gay, too? And now look at you! You’re the definition of straight!”

“It’s true,” Kenny agreed, raising his eye brows as he went in for the kill. “I have kissed a lot of girls, made out with a lot of girls, and even had sex with my fair share of girls. But you know the difference between girls getting turned on and guys getting turned on?” Kyle panted as rage washed over him, but knew he didn’t have to answer that question. Kenny cocked his head to the side and placed his hands on his hips.

“The difference is: for guys, it’s so much easier to see.” With one deft finger, Kenny pointed down to Kyle’s crotch. Kyle’s face nearly turned as red as his hair, but he puffed out his chest in fury, clenching his fists. “It was a really small closet, Kyle. We were right up against each other. Maybe in your ‘drunken’ state, you didn’t notice. But I certainly did.”

Kenny turned out, thoroughly satisfied with Kyle’s trouncing. But Kyle wasn’t about to let him have the last word. “I’m not gay,” he growled at the other boy’s turned back.

Kenny slowly pivoted on his heels and cast a dark, blood curdling glare over his shoulder. If looks could kill… Kyle would have been a pile of ashes. Kenny knew he had won, so he let Kyle have the final word; maybe it would somehow spare some the boy’s pride. In all honesty, Kenny didn’t really care at all. As far as he concerned, if he never saw Kyle again… that would be perfectly fine with him.


XOXOXOXO


“Stan honey,” Sharon whispered lightly into her son’s ear. “Wake up.”

“I’m awake, mom,” he mumbled, blinking his eyes open. Stan hadn’t slept in a long while. Even though he had been brought word that Jacob had passed away in his sleep, he was still having nightmares. Only now, the roles had been reversed. Stan was still appalled at what he said to the poor, dying man. Being so close to death made Stan realize just what it was like to be in Jacob’s shoes.

The icy cold hand of death poised at your neck, just waiting for you to fall asleep. Guilt and grief burning a hole through your chest. And all you could possibly want is for someone to walk through that door and take away all the sorrow; give you relief if but for a few moments. To hold your hand and tell you that it would be alright as you journey into the darkness. A ray of light through the shadows of your darkest days.

Stan could have been that ray of light for Jacob. Who knows, maybe he would have lived a little longer without the weight of his deeds resting like the world on his soul. But instead, the raven haired boy had snuffed out Jacob’s every last hope and left him crushed with only the bitter sweet promise of death to comfort him. Now Stan knew perfectly well what that felt like. Maybe this was his comeuppance?

“Good, honey,” Sharon smiled as she straightened back up. “You have some visitors. Look, dear, it’s all your friends!”

Stan turned his head against the hospital bed pillow and simpered as his eyes set upon the grinning faces of everyone. There was Kenny, Cartman, and Butters, of course, standing tall in front of all the rest. Behind them was Vincent, holding hands cutely with Bradley. And shockingly enough, there too was Wendy, timidly grasping a bouquet of flowers.

But the room was dim. There was no ray of light. He wasn’t there.

“I didn’t know what you liked,” Wendy started, inching herself closer to Stan and handing him the flowers. “So, I just got one of every kind the shop had.”

“Flowers?” Kenny chuckled. “What is he? A girl?”

“Well I just thought since he’s….” Wendy trailed off and instinctively pushed the black hair out of her face. “You’re right, I guess that was pretty ignorant of me.”

“They’re beautiful,” Stan assured, after the entire room had burst into a loud fit of laughter and rested the flowers on the bed side table to his left. “You two look good,” he said, nodding toward Vincent and Bradley.

“Yeah, well,” Vincent started, rubbing his head nervously. “We’ve gotten to know each other.”

“He’s really great,” Bradley added, holding his boyfriend’s hand even tighter. Stan smiled, but couldn’t help to feel a little hurt by how happy they were.

“Here,” the brunette offered, holding up a bright blue t-shirt. “We’re New Grace buddies, we should have matching shirts.” Stan reached out and took hold of the “I survived… Camp New Grace” shirt. He chuckled at it, thinking that he had only barely survived his experience at the camp.

“What did you get me, fat ass?” Stan finally asked, squinting his eyes objectively.

“I already apologized to you,” Cartman yelled. “What more do you want from me? Money?! You’re breaking my balls, Stan!” The bed ridden teenager once again let out a roaring guffaw, shaking himself so much that he had to clutch his stomach.

“God,” he whispered after everyone had settled down. “I haven’t laughed in… since Kyle….” The room grew silent as all of the teenagers cast their gazes to the floor. Sharon looked at them confused, when suddenly a thought pricked her brain.

“I could have sworn I invited Kyle,” she said, resting a finger on her chin in thought. “I wonder why he’s not here. Maybe he’s running late.”

“He’s not coming,” Kenny informed, his face melting into a frown. “I spoke with him earlier today. I don’t think he had any intention of showing up.”

“Good,” Stan spat quickly. “I don’t want him here.”

“Stan, honey-”

“No, mom!” the teen cut in. “He’s my light, I’ll admit that but….” He stopped, trying to find the right words. “A while ago, I met the person who raped me two years ago, you all know that by now. He lied on a bed… just like this one… and he looked up to me with the most horribly sad eyes. And yet somehow, I still found the anger in me to deny him his dying wish. I wouldn’t forgive him.”

The room was as still as the grave and everyone felt obligated to not make a sound, barely even breathing loudly. “I can only imagine that if I was capable of such hate… then there’s no telling how Kyle might feel. I destroyed Jacob. I crushed the only dream he had left. And I honestly think… that I killed him. If Kyle did that to me, I don’t know how I’d deal with that. He hates me now, everyone knows it.”

“We’re not the same as we used to be,” Stan continued. “There was little we could say… and even less we could do… to keep us together. We buried our friendship away, too deep for either of us to reach. And imagine my surprise… that when we finally took off our own masks… we just weren’t who we thought we were. And it pains me to say what we both already knew was true; but Kyle and I? We’re through. And I don’t think we could ever be together again.”

The room stayed quiet and it seemed that with every passing second it grew darker as the sun finally sank below the horizon. Silently, with a tear in his eye, Kyle backed away from the doorway and walked out of the hospital wing.


XOXOXOXO


It had been almost three days before Kyle finally decided to go visit Stan. He had beaten himself up ever since he left the hospital that day. He was too blinded by his tears of sorrow to realize that Stan really did want to see him.

He had only said those things because he was hurt. Kyle knew all about that feeling. He had said some pretty horrible things to Stan because he was hurt. Kyle had been struggling this entire time with his own sexuality. It was time to fess up.

Kyle entered the room, his eyes downcast in shame. “I know you said you don’t want to see me,” he started right away as he walked toward the hospital bed. “But just hear me out, okay?” Without looking at his friend, Kyle sat down in the near by chair and tried to work out what he was going to say.

“A long time ago,” he started, his voice already quivering. “My mother confronted me about my relationship with you. She said we were a little too close and that I should get a girlfriend. I think this was in the sixth grade. Without thinking, I told her that I thought I didn’t need a girlfriend. That you, Stan, could be my girlfriend.”

Kyle swallowed, choking back the tears. He swore he wouldn’t cry until he got the whole story out, but it was starting to look like a promise he wouldn’t be able to keep. “I was just a little kid, I didn’t know what I was saying! But my parents… they beat me. They said that if I ever turned out gay, they would disown me. That they wouldn’t have an abomination for son.”

“You remember, don’t you?” Kyle continued, still looking at the floor. “That whole year, we would play at your house. Because if we went to mine, I was sure my parents would beat us both! And then, as the years went by, I started to realize with horror that I was actually attracted to you! I had dreams about you and I’d… I-I’d fantasize about you…. But I couldn’t let you know. I thought I’d be able to suppress these feelings.”

“And then, recently, when I scared you that night. You remember, it was a Friday night, and I jumped out at you. I promised that I’d stay with you that night. I don’t know if you knew, but… that morning, I woke up and I was in your arms.” Kyle couldn’t keep the tears in anymore, and the dam broke. “Y-you were so w-w-warm and I felt s-so safe. I just held you t-tighter and f-fell back a-asleep. I didn’t know… I didn’t… h-how could I have?”

“Then you confessed you’re love for me!” Kyle gasped through the sobs. “All this time I had thought that if you were straight, I would never be tempted to go any further than just my imagination. And that magazine! When my parents found it they… they went and ransacked my room. And they found the websites on my computer. That was all the proof they needed.”

“I was so scared that they would kick me out of the house! I wouldn’t know what to do, Stan! I’m still only seventeen! I can’t support myself yet! I thought that if I distanced myself from you, that it would eventually all go away; the feelings, the accusations, the problems. But they only brewed inside me longer until eventually they burst…. You weren’t the only one who tried to commit suicide… only I guess I just wasn’t strong enough to actually go through with it….”

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, Stan” Kyle finished, after taking a moment to calm down and regain his composure. “That I love…” Kyle reached out his hand and laid it down on-

An empty pillow.

For the first time since he had walked into the hospital, Kyle looked up from the ground. Stan’s hospital bed was empty. He looked around, shocked and confused, but there was nobody in the room.

“Excuse me, son?” a nurse called in as she walked by the door. “This room is reserved for patients only. You can’t be in here.”

“Where’s Stan?!” Kyle shouted, jumping up out of the chair.

“Stanley Marsh?” the nurse confirmed, checking her charts. “He’s gone.”

“Gone?” Kyle gasped. “Dead?!”

“No!” the nursed chuckled lightly. “He had been complaining of back pain for the last two days. Upon further inspection, doctors found fragments of bone embedded slightly into his spine. Unfortunately, we don’t have the proper equipment or staff here to do such a high class operation. He was life lighted to a different hospital about an hour ago. I’m sorry, you just missed him.”

“Which hospital?” Kyle asked, hurriedly. If he had time, he might still be able to make it to visit Stan and confess to him.

“Um…” the nurse muttered, looking over her clipboard. “A hospital in New York.”

Kyle stopped dead in his tracks and his heart nearly did the same. “New York City?” he asked in a daze. The nurse nodded and swiftly left the room. Kyle stared absently at the doorway, feeling the burn of tears once again building up behind his eyes.

“Kyle?” came a deep voice and the red headed boy was snapped from his trance. It was Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. “Kyle, are you okay?” Randy asked.

“When?” Kyle stuttered. “When will you be back? When will Stan-” Randy and Sharon looked at each other with worried glances.

“I’m sorry Kyle,” Randy answered. “But we won’t be coming back.”

“What?” Kyle tried to say, but could only mouth the word. All of his strength had left him.

“I’ve found a new job up in New York,” Mr. Marsh continued. “They’re paying me practically double what I was getting here in South Park. We’re selling the house and moving there right away. Sharon has already found the apartment. We only came back to the hospital to fill out some final paper work. We have to be on the next plane to New York in little more than an hour.”

“You have to understand Kyle,” Sharon chimed in. “Stan is going to need a lot of recuperative work. He’s going to need trainers and assistants. If we don’t do this professionally, Stan may lose feelings in his legs or, God forbid, may not even be able to walk. New York has plenty of people who are perfect with those kinds of things. There’s no one like that here in South Park, and there’s no way we could make the commute every time Stan needed it. Add in the fact that Shelly’s college in is only a few hours from New York City… it’s just the best solution.”

“But you’re coming back, right?” Kyle asked again, unable to wrap his mind around the terrible revelation.

“No, Kyle,” Randy answered, softly. He took out a piece of paper and wrote something down on it. “We’re not. But you and Stan can still keep in touch. This is our new address. You can be… pen pals or something. You know… write him a letter.” The two adults turned and headed for the door. Randy stopped and looked over his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Kyle.” And with that, they both left.

Kyle cringed and slowly sunk to the ground. He let out silent sobs as he wept, bringing his knees into himself and crying into his arms. He had no idea what to do next. Everything had been stripped from him. And now, when he had finally excepted himself… Stan wasn’t there to be his light. To hold his hand. Kyle was lost.

“I guess…” he said to himself after a while. “I guess I have a letter to write….”